Lighten Up The Mood
This is to lighten up the mood from the last entry, my friend sent this to me and I made a few adjustments, read only in you’re bored, or want to be amused. I had nothing better to do with my time.
PS. Wourmwood will be updating the website soon
Your affectionate uncle,
SCRUTAPE
YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM SO-CAL WHEN…YOU COMPARE IT TO EL SALVADOR
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
RM: People don’t have cars here, they walk, or bum rides from people who have cars.
You go to the beach and see that real lifeguards actually do look like
the lifeguards from Baywatch
RM: HAHAHA, lifeguards in El Salvador, they don’t even wear seatbelts and they feed their children sugar for breakfast, c’mon now.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
RM: House payments range from $60-100. But the annual income is something like $50…okay, I’m being an ass here, but the house payment part is serious.
You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.
RM: Not in this country, here it’s next to a burro or a bike. Although I have seen a Porche SUV, and two BMW´s!
You begin to "lie" to your friends about where you are (i.e. "Yeah I'm
like 20 minutes away") - when you know that it'll take you at least an
hour to get there).
RM: HAHA, I still do this, it takes 3 hours to get to capital, and when they call me I always respond, ¨I’m almost there, I’m in the capital now,¨ sooo not true, between the stops and the po-po making random stops, its takes time.
You drive to your neighbourhood block party.
RM: HAHA, block parties, I miss that, especially when alcoholism is the number 1 problem here, so even with one drink you’re considered a drunk.
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
RM: No, here roaches are big, ugly, radioactively enlarge beasts that have to be slain with a machete.
In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same
day.
RM: Here, there are only two seasons, wet and dry, and it’s hot all the time.
You eat a different ethnic food for every meal
RM: IT´S THE SAME FUKCING THING EVERYDAY…grease, salt and something fried. So I make my own food.
If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're
definitely driving.
RM: I have no choice here, it’s all on foot or bus.
Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
RM: It’s the same area code here…7 for cells, 2 for hardlines.
You know what In N Out is and feel bad for all the other states because
they don't have any.
RM: Oh how I miss you sweet nectar of the gods.
You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.
RM: THESE PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE MANIACS…don’t believe me? Talk to a Salvadorian, OMG, I’ve quickly returned to my catholic roots since driving in these death traps they call cars. Oh gawd, if you only knew. I’m being serious here.
You really can never be too rich or too thin.
RM: Here it’s the opposite. Seriously…seriously.
You've partied in Tijuana at least once.
RM: In December I’ll be in Guatemala, Cancun in June, and at some point, Costa Rica.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
RM: So far I’ve recieved a facial, and am currently looking to get my eyebrows done, a foot and back massage. I love San Salvador.
You eat pineapple on pizza.
RM: Here you can eat Loroco on your pizza, which is the national flower.
Bars card. For real.
RM: Bars don’t card. For real.
Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your
head.
RM: Still true here.
You think that Venice is a beach.
RM: They think everyone from the States is white.
The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.
RM: The mesero doesn’t ask, and heavily fries your food and adds extra salt.
You mourned for Tupac and not for Biggie.
RM: Here you mourn for you brother/cousin/aunt that was killed by recent floods, gang slayings, starvation, etc.
You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is. (the guitar
guy on skates lol)
RM: You know all the drunks and hoes on a first name basis…they just call you, ¨gringo¨.
You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would
never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class or
"909ers". Best area code: "714."
RM: Here anything goes, 30 year old men with 15 year olds, men with tons of illegitimate children, several wives, girlfriends, etc.
You call 911 and they put you on hold.
RM: I wonder if they have that here? Mostly they just rub an egg over your splintered body and pray. I hope I never get sick :/
You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.
RM: Working in the field is your gym, and its mandatory or you’ll die of starvation.
The gym is packed at 3pm...on a workday.
RM: You work until you die. Or you receive money for the US, and in which case you do nothing but watch TV…I know many Salvadorians like this.
You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It
don't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are
just better than them, for whatever reason.
RM: You know me, you know what I’m thinking, you know I’m ass for thinking what I am thinking, so I won’t type it. Chris understands.
You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a
McDonald's or a Starbucks.
RM: True for McDonalds, not so much for Starbucks…yet….but I’m counting the days!
You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean.
RM: You know ¨regalamelo¨means. Which means when they see your ipod/usb drive/something shiny/something cool they want you to give it to them as a gift. I laugh in their face and say no.
Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance,
takes about "twenty minutes".
RM: Getting anywhere takes HOURS on bumpy ass terrain, where you’re covered in dirt after your journey.
The Terminator is your governor
RM: Finger puppets are theirs.
You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
RM: Is carrying a machete into a bank legal? Oh yeah, it is.
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH"
RM: During the rainy season, it really is STORM WATCH…the thunder scares the sh%t out of me still.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from
California... if you dont know what this means..do you live under a
rock, and yess..we are in fact Better than you!!
RM: All of this true, and I miss California very much.
PS. Wourmwood will be updating the website soon
Your affectionate uncle,
SCRUTAPE
YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM SO-CAL WHEN…YOU COMPARE IT TO EL SALVADOR
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
RM: People don’t have cars here, they walk, or bum rides from people who have cars.
You go to the beach and see that real lifeguards actually do look like
the lifeguards from Baywatch
RM: HAHAHA, lifeguards in El Salvador, they don’t even wear seatbelts and they feed their children sugar for breakfast, c’mon now.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
RM: House payments range from $60-100. But the annual income is something like $50…okay, I’m being an ass here, but the house payment part is serious.
You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.
RM: Not in this country, here it’s next to a burro or a bike. Although I have seen a Porche SUV, and two BMW´s!
You begin to "lie" to your friends about where you are (i.e. "Yeah I'm
like 20 minutes away") - when you know that it'll take you at least an
hour to get there).
RM: HAHA, I still do this, it takes 3 hours to get to capital, and when they call me I always respond, ¨I’m almost there, I’m in the capital now,¨ sooo not true, between the stops and the po-po making random stops, its takes time.
You drive to your neighbourhood block party.
RM: HAHA, block parties, I miss that, especially when alcoholism is the number 1 problem here, so even with one drink you’re considered a drunk.
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
RM: No, here roaches are big, ugly, radioactively enlarge beasts that have to be slain with a machete.
In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same
day.
RM: Here, there are only two seasons, wet and dry, and it’s hot all the time.
You eat a different ethnic food for every meal
RM: IT´S THE SAME FUKCING THING EVERYDAY…grease, salt and something fried. So I make my own food.
If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're
definitely driving.
RM: I have no choice here, it’s all on foot or bus.
Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
RM: It’s the same area code here…7 for cells, 2 for hardlines.
You know what In N Out is and feel bad for all the other states because
they don't have any.
RM: Oh how I miss you sweet nectar of the gods.
You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.
RM: THESE PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE MANIACS…don’t believe me? Talk to a Salvadorian, OMG, I’ve quickly returned to my catholic roots since driving in these death traps they call cars. Oh gawd, if you only knew. I’m being serious here.
You really can never be too rich or too thin.
RM: Here it’s the opposite. Seriously…seriously.
You've partied in Tijuana at least once.
RM: In December I’ll be in Guatemala, Cancun in June, and at some point, Costa Rica.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
RM: So far I’ve recieved a facial, and am currently looking to get my eyebrows done, a foot and back massage. I love San Salvador.
You eat pineapple on pizza.
RM: Here you can eat Loroco on your pizza, which is the national flower.
Bars card. For real.
RM: Bars don’t card. For real.
Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your
head.
RM: Still true here.
You think that Venice is a beach.
RM: They think everyone from the States is white.
The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.
RM: The mesero doesn’t ask, and heavily fries your food and adds extra salt.
You mourned for Tupac and not for Biggie.
RM: Here you mourn for you brother/cousin/aunt that was killed by recent floods, gang slayings, starvation, etc.
You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is. (the guitar
guy on skates lol)
RM: You know all the drunks and hoes on a first name basis…they just call you, ¨gringo¨.
You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would
never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class or
"909ers". Best area code: "714."
RM: Here anything goes, 30 year old men with 15 year olds, men with tons of illegitimate children, several wives, girlfriends, etc.
You call 911 and they put you on hold.
RM: I wonder if they have that here? Mostly they just rub an egg over your splintered body and pray. I hope I never get sick :/
You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.
RM: Working in the field is your gym, and its mandatory or you’ll die of starvation.
The gym is packed at 3pm...on a workday.
RM: You work until you die. Or you receive money for the US, and in which case you do nothing but watch TV…I know many Salvadorians like this.
You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It
don't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are
just better than them, for whatever reason.
RM: You know me, you know what I’m thinking, you know I’m ass for thinking what I am thinking, so I won’t type it. Chris understands.
You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a
McDonald's or a Starbucks.
RM: True for McDonalds, not so much for Starbucks…yet….but I’m counting the days!
You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean.
RM: You know ¨regalamelo¨means. Which means when they see your ipod/usb drive/something shiny/something cool they want you to give it to them as a gift. I laugh in their face and say no.
Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance,
takes about "twenty minutes".
RM: Getting anywhere takes HOURS on bumpy ass terrain, where you’re covered in dirt after your journey.
The Terminator is your governor
RM: Finger puppets are theirs.
You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
RM: Is carrying a machete into a bank legal? Oh yeah, it is.
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH"
RM: During the rainy season, it really is STORM WATCH…the thunder scares the sh%t out of me still.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from
California... if you dont know what this means..do you live under a
rock, and yess..we are in fact Better than you!!
RM: All of this true, and I miss California very much.
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